Admittedly, this is a very different post. When I started this blog, I had intended for it to be a place of hope, encouragement and inspiration to anyone who happens to visit and read it. And I do continue to do that but sometimes I hurt so much that I need to let it out even just briefly. Though I strive to hold on to faith and continue to be hopeful, I do have times when I am so down I can’t seem recover from whatever is hurting me. Once again, I see precious dreams that I held on so tightly come crashing down. I am just ever so reluctantly accepting that and it is hard, it just hurts I realize God is wiser and God has a plan but right now I am not seeing it; I am not seeing anything new on the horizon to lift me out of this. I have spent over 20 years helping others in many ways and trying to follow what I think is God’s will for me. Yet I still come home alone. Always alone. No one is there to love and help me. The chance to have love in my life is always taken away because somehow I am never good enough, I feel hurt, defeated, and utterly broken. My heart just aches and the tears just come but no one here really gets the deepness of this; no one really understands. To be rejected over and over because I am not good enough just hurts, hurts, hurts. I do know that God will lift me out of this, I just don’t know when.
No love can I find to hold and heal me
No tender touch to comfort and soothe me.
All my dreams and hopes for love are shattered
And my aching heart is pierced and broken
Never to be whole and hopeful again.
Like a once vivid stain glass window
Laying in jagged pieces upon a dirt-filled floor
In an old forgotten church
The broken panes are strewn relentlessly
By a malicious and eerily whistling wind
The window can never be mended and made whole again.
The once colorful fragments fade and splinter as
Time, dust and drenching rain assault them
And soon nothing is left as witness of that shattered
Tinted pane’s former inspiration in
Depicting a scene and pointing to heaven.
No hope of being rescued and mended
It silently slips away to nothing.
So too my tear-stricken heart has no more hope
Of being rescued and mended by love
So I feel destined to quietly fade away into oblivion
And no one will ever know who I really am or
who I could have been.